taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Saturday, July 30, 2005

There ought to be separate highways for people who have all the time in the world, 'cause the rest of us have places to be and we want to get there soon. I'm serious--there seems to be a whole contingent of people out there who are in no fucking hurry to go anywhere at all, be it work or home or on vacation or wherever. I've been driving on major highways a lot lately, and there are these these people in the left lane, yammering on cell phones and doing 45mph, who won't move and consistently cause major traffic backups. They need to go away.

I've also noticed a remarkable consistency in the types of people who drive incredibly slowly and in inappropriate lanes, or who block traffic by driving the exact same speed as the person next to them, thereby creating a phalanx of slow-moving vehicles blocking everyone's way. As a public service announcement, I am publishing the types of cars you should stay far, far away from. (And, if you are the driver of one of these cars--or someone who finds themselves saying "Whaaaat! I'm GOING the SPEED LIMIT!"--please,please move to the right lane. That lane is for you. That is where you belong.)

1. Minivans. I dunno what it is about minivans that make their owners turn into thorazine-addled, inattentive, slow-ass drivers (maybe they're watching theiir DVD players?), but it's a fact. Minivans almost always merge slowly and hesitantly, drive slow in the fast lane, and meander down city streets like tourists-- "Madge, looka that!" (Todd, man, I'm sorry--I don't mean you, okay? It's the other minivan drivers, I swear.)
2. Cars with "Support the Troops" and breast cancer ribbons on the back. First of all, what is with the fucking ribbons? OK, troops good, breast cancer bad, WE GET IT. Now could you PLEASE speed up and get the fuck in the other lane?
3. Anyone with a "specialty" license plate, you know, one that declares their allegiance to some organization or another, be it a masonic lodge, an alumni association, or some pro-life group. Also, anyone with "cute" vanity plates. The other day on 97, I was behind a minivan with the plate "BEARS4U". It was so cute! So, so cute. And so, so slow.
3. Anyone with a sign on their car that says "CAUTION! SHOW DOGS ON BOARD!" 'Nuff said. (That was a minivan too, come to think of it.)
4. People in caravans. The very nature of a caravan, folks, is its slowness. Caravans need to get into the right lane. There's a reason that wagon trains moved so incredibly slowly--they're following each other! For the love of god.
5. People having long involved cell phone conversations. Look, I've done it too--I admit it. But I did it in the RIGHT LANE. When you're on the phone, you're not paying attention, let's face it. The drive doesn't seem as long and you drive twice as slowly.
6. Fat, smug men in giant SUVs. For some reason, a while back, these guys ditched their giant magnetic American flags (they replaced them with ribbons, BTW), but you can still tell them a mile off. They're more than likely off to a golf game or something and wearing a yellow polo shirt, and usually have maintained their proud Bush-Cheney stickers (or, in MD, Ehrlich stickers). They always drive slow in the left lane and I suspect they're thinking "Bitch, get off my ass, I know you want me." These are the guys who, thirty years ago, smashed beer cans against their heads and took advantage of drunk freshmen. Nowadays they drive slow just 'cause they can.

There are more, but I've pissed myself off so much thinking about it that I need to go have a cig. I think the bottom line is that people who overdecorate their cars, vote republican, purchase their car based more on its semiotic value than its utility, and overall believe that their interests trump everyone else's--those are the people that need their own highway. Perhaps Halliburton could take some time off from Iraq and build them one--at taxpayer expense, of course.


At 2:53 PM, Blogger XLT said...

Yes, it's true. I own a minivan, but by no means am I a typical minivan driver. I know when I'm driving slow, so the left lane is all yours, hotshot.

At 11:16 AM, Blogger The Educated Eclectic said...

Loved this VERY true post -- the same thing (left-lane drivers going 45 mph or LESS) can be experienced every day in Miami.

I linked your post on http://www.bigbrassblog.com/

They will love it!

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Claire said...

thanks for the link, and I like the blog!

At 8:56 PM, Blogger The Educated Eclectic said...

I thought you would like that one!
(Big Brass...)

At 7:16 AM, Blogger Jessica said...

Claire, you have a knack for very clearly verbalizing what the rest of us are thinking as we curse at the people in front of us. Now that Jay and I are living in Houston, it is a whole different animal with extensive road work on every road, and the moms here drive full-size SUVs instead of minivans AND talk on their cell phones, all at the same time. Here is is the really beat up looking cars from the 1970s you have to look out for because they usually can't even go the speed limit!

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Cham said...

If I gave up my minivan so I won't be judged as a slow careless driver I wouldn't have a place to sleep.

If you doesn't have a yellow ribbon on your car, obviously you don't support the troops, you are anti-American and you should get the heck out of the good ole US of A, you traitor! Those that are true patriots have the ribbons and are concerned about our "freedoms". Now I will sing the national anthem. Let God Bless America! ;)

(hate the ribbons)

At 10:35 AM, Blogger chang said...


At the risk of sounding horribly non-PC, I'm gonna throw myself into the pool with my additions:

1) Asians. I am sorry, but about 51% of the time when I finallly can ull around a creeping vehicle, it is someone who is Asian. There I said it. Maybe it's all the honking that I do that makes them look sso terrified.

2) Old People. Or senior citizens as the kids say today. Look I plan on being one some day, but for fucks sake let me get on with my life so I can get there. And When I do hit my golden years, I will drive slow with a smaile on my face and think of the way I am pissing off youngins.

Thanks to you, I feel purged.

At 4:43 PM, Blogger Claire said...

Yeah, you said it, Charles, not me. I'm glad everyone else is just as annoyed as me 'cause I've been feeling pretty mean spirited about the whole road rage thing lately.

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