taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Since the separation began, about four or five months ago, I have lost around 15 pounds. It was actually shocking to stand on the scale at my mother's house--I knew my clothes were a little loose, but I'd no idea how much weight I'd actually lost. And since I wasn't hefty to begin with, the 15 pounds actually show.

And then I sensed an opportunity. Americans love new diets! I should write down what I'm doing to lose all this weight and call it the Home of Dismay (TM) Separation Diet (R)! It'll be the next South Beach, the next Atkins!

But for you, dear readers, I will share my dietary wisdom free of charge. The Home Of Dismay (TM) Separation Diet (R) is divided into two sections: 1) things you do every day and 2) things you do once a week or so. Here goes:


7am: Breakfast
1 immodium and half a pot of half decaf, half regular coffee.

10am: Mid-morning snack
Perrier and 1/4 bag of pumpkin seeds.

Noon: Lunch
Toasted cheese sandwich with tomatoes, seltezer water
Lean Cuisine
(1 Valium--optional)

2pm: Mid-afternoon snack
5 packages of sweet tarts
1/4 bag of cheezits

AND 1 16oz, full-carb Rockstar energy drink

4pm: Late afternoon snack
Seltzer water

6pm: Dinner
3 beers

Once a week on my diet, you must have each of the following:
-Half a box of linguine with butter and cheese
-Four fried eggs
-Large steak with asparagus
-A large cosmopolitan

My exercise regimen has been an important part of my weight loss. Every day, it's important to do at least an hour of:
-house painting
-running up and down stairs
-moving furniture
-fidgeting restlessly on conference calls

So there you have it! I may be twitchy, unkempt, and stressed out, but it don't matter 'cause I'M THIN!

I think the only problem is my diet plan might need to be vetted by some sort of medical professional. I need to find some kind of quack doctor to sign off and I'll be set.


At 7:14 PM, Blogger The Cybrarian said...

Dr. Nick Riviera?
You really need to try to work in more Rocket Pops, it is summer.

At 7:14 PM, Blogger The Cybrarian said...

So how's the house?

At 1:07 PM, Blogger sweetney said...

yes, what about the house?? where the hell are you now? (ps: email response forthcoming.... weekend mina illness through me all off course).

At 4:03 PM, Blogger dogfaceboy said...

Why is it the already-skinny girls get to lose weight without even trying? I think I'm going on your diet. But will you break the news to my husband that he has to move next door?

At 7:36 PM, Anonymous tbtine said...

I am firmly of the belief that I have picked up the 15 you laid down without meaning to do so. Which in my little world makes complete sense, because every time I drop 25 lbs, someone else I know, however loosely, seems to pick it up in one lump sum.

I guess it's just serendipity, but it's serendipity I could've lived without, being's I was already fighting 10 lbs of my own. I could've lived without your extra 15, thanks.

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