taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

When I first started this blog, I really never imagined that it might end up as some kind of referendum on my character, or that the intersection of my public and private lives might become complex. I never imagined, actually, that it would be anything but a kind of extended letter to my friends--friends that I talked to a lot, and friends that I didn't. I thought of it as a way to publish all those little half-formed essays I carried around with me all the time--a place to be honest, sure, and public, of course. But I intended it to be enjoyed if it was enjoyable, and ignored otherwise.

But I've recently realized that a lot of people are reading this thing, and not all of them like me any more after they read it than they did before. On one level, I don't really care--I can't make myself likeable, and I've never hidden my true self here. I just write what I see around me, and it's not really up to anyone else to tell me whether that's right or wrong, any more than it's up to anyone else to tell me what to feel or think. I have spent most of my adult life, as we all do, sublimating my real thoughts and feelings for the greater good, or expediency, or to spare other people's feelings. Here is the one place I can write honestly and potentially connect with other people who might feel the same way, but were afraid to say so.

But I still manage to offend, or be wrong, or be fundamentally misunderstood.And this realization is the heart of true dismay. To understand that whatever it was you were doing was somehow wrong all along, that what you felt was wrong and what you thought. That after all--despite whatever superficial feeling of connection you had with the world--it was as you always suspected.

And yet I make no apologies. I've had a couple of experiences lately that actually made me think I should shut the doors on the Home of Dismay--if not forever, then temporarily. But then I thought you know what? Fuck 'em. This is mine. I own it. I own dismay! And I own my words and thoughts, and I own the ability to write about them and put them out there--and if it's unpleasant or unappealing, so be it. No one has to read it.

So here it remains. Like it or not.


At 6:40 PM, Blogger The Cybrarian said...

See, I'm grateful to have any kind of public life. I wish the Enquirer was digging through my trash and notes and tsk tsking right now.

At 7:43 PM, Anonymous tbtine said...

rock on to you, sister girl.

I like you despite your evilest intentions, if that counts for anything. So nah.

At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep on keepin on, your blog is great, you shouldn't worry what other people think.

At 3:20 AM, Blogger sweetney said...

i'm with all those commenters before me (choco, i hear you on the public life -- thank gawd for blaghs!): you are wonderful and smart and funny and those who don't get that can bugger off. i can't even imagine how anyone could like you *less* after reading what you write here. but people are messed up, and oftentimes looking for things to take out frustration resulting from their own personal issues on... your introspective honesty doubtless makes you a target in that sense, but IT IS NOT YOU, OR YOUR PROBLEM, IT IS THEM.


At 12:20 PM, Blogger Arriet Till said...

I found myself here by way of your other blog. Baltimore Crime, I have that bookmarked and wanted to learn more about the folk that are documenting our cities crime levels so diligently.

Now for my comment:

Hip-hip-hooray! I agree with you and for anyone that reads ANY blog and does not like then "Keep it movin". Create your own blog and spout your own corrupt view of the world.

At 7:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That true otherness made up of delicate contacts, marvelous adjustments with the world, could not be attained from just one point; the outstretched hand had to find response in another hand stretched out from the beyond, from the other part.

- Horacio Oliveira, *Hopscotch*, by Julio Cortazar.

Consider this an outstretched hand...

At 3:14 AM, Blogger dogfaceboy said...

Well, I am finally caught up, and I don't know what inspired this entry. I couldn't find any negative comments or meanness or rooting for ill will.

I am sure you are loved in real life, and that's a comfort. I know a few of those who love you and have your back. But to be cyberloved is extra special. Anyone can cyberhate or turn a wrinkled nose at you like so much dung. But it takes special people to cyberlove you.

And to have both real and cyberlove from the same folks--damn! Congratulations on the houses. I can see the thrill of living alone, though I am the decorator here.

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