taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The outpouring of support from friends and loved ones has been truly amazing, and almost counters the sick feeling I carry around with me in the pit of my stomach these days. I am the victim of my own choices, some tiny and some big, an accretion of little choices. I'll go this way, I'll do this, I'll go here, and then one day I woke up and I was at the edge of a giant cliff, one foot in the air and ready to jump.

Maybe it's because we're going to see the mediator today, and I actually called a real estate agent, and it's all becoming real now. But I just mentally stopped last night. I hit the wall and I stopped and I said, wow. How did this HAPPEN? What the hell happened?

You get married, and you don't really think about what you're doing. Especially when you're 21--how can you know what "forever" means, or "hard work"? I didn't. I didn't even understand that everything you do has consequences. Every choice changes your destiny just that little bit, until you've veered in an entirely new direction. And one day you wake up and you've got a career and kids and a house and it's just like that Talking Heads song--"This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife."

And the days go by.

Here's the thing--there's nothing to regret. There's no moment to look back on and say "Oh, that's when it happened. If only I'd done blah blah blah instead." Which is a blessing, in a way, and a curse. Because with no single cause and no one to blame, I find myself feeling like maybe we don't really control our own lives very much at all. We think our choices are well-made and thought-through, but since we have no clue about their outcomes, we're just guessing. And now it's another choice, although it doesn't feel like a choice at all. I look back at the path behind me and it's all overgrown, and there's no breadcrumbs leading me back home.

4 Comments:

At 6:05 AM, Blogger dogfaceboy said...

I was 21 when I met my husband. We lived together for 11 years before we got married. We got married on May 29th, 1994. Sunday is our 11th anniversary. That's 22 years, if you're counting. Our daughter is seven.

Forever is a long, long, long time.

Keep this in mind: in ancient times, most people married at 12 because they would be dead by their 20s. Marriage didn't last too long back then because life didn't.

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger dogfaceboy said...

Sorry. I hope that didn't sound callous. It was just to say that it's OK. There IS no one to blame. It is something that happens.

I hope you can find some peace. I'm sorry for the pain.

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger JenD said...

I've been reading your blog for a while and have enjoyed it immensely. It actually prompted me to start my own blog because I was so impressed with yours. I am sorry about your current situation. Be well.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Josh said...

Hey, I just found out about this. I know we have not spoken in awhile. I would say I'm really sorry but having been were your at, this is the right thing to do. my wife and I split right before things got really bad. I can't imagine what it would have been like, living together with someone and having mutual dis-like for one another. I hate to bring up kids but in this regard, it was the best thing for everyone.

 

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