taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Sunday, May 29, 2005

I've spent the weekend trying to make the house look as though no one really lives here, which is, I've been told, what Prospective Buyers want. While I think my taste is wonderful, it's entirely possible that less sophisticated people might not agree. Also, I seem to have somehow acquired many pieces of art and knicknacks involving naked ladies. There are the amusing vintage "boobie" salt and pepper shakers, my framed 1940's pinups, and my mermaid jewelry dish. Looking around with a fresh eye, I realized that my house is filled with bare breasts. How could I not have noticed this before?

The real estate agents are coming over on Tuesday, and I'm sure they'll have plenty to say about what I need to do. They'll probably tell me to paint the whole place white, which would break my heart. One advantage of living with an artist is you end up with lovely wall colors. But I think most people don't like lovely wall colors.

I was thinking that maybe I should insist that anyone who makes an offer on the house must also submit a 1,000 word essay on the subject of "Why I Want This House and What I Plan To Do With It." That way, I could weed out the philistines and determine which buyers are worthy of living here. I've loved this house more than anyplace I've ever lived, and I've done everything here with great care and consideration. I don't want some fools moving in here, knocking down walls and installing ugly light fixtures. I'm also thinking I'll refuse offers from anyone who's moving from D.C. I suspect that people who move to Roland Park from D.C. have more money than taste, and they might do something hideous like install a whirlpool tub, or cut down my azaleas. I guess I just have to remind myself never to drive by here again after I move out.


At 7:56 AM, Blogger debbie said...

gosh, much luck on the houseselling! what a pain in the ass. funny that you mention the 1000 word essay, because that's kind of how we got our house. when we first started looking it became apparent that houses in our price range were mostly shitholes with good addresses, but then we stumbled upon this place -- lots of trees, nice yard, kept up really well for an almost 70 year old house, but the kicker was the totally awesome kid's room with a finished crawlspace playroom attached and mural depicting scenes from rosemary wells' "the bunny planet." it was perfect for jack, who was not yet one at the time. our "realtor" -- she was a friend who happened to be a realtor and working for free -- took pictures of jack in the room, wrote an awesome letter to the sellers telling them how much we loved the house and appreciated what they had done with it, and even though we weren't the only offer they received, the letter obviously did the trick. thank god, because now we couldn't afford to buy a house in our neighborhood!

you know, i don't think a letter of intent-type thing is such a bad idea. if real estate is as hot there as it is here, i'm sure potential buyers would have no problem with it! again, good luck!

At 4:10 PM, Blogger XLT said...

I assume the mermaid in question is the notorious "Sweetie Pazzulo" I acquired for y'all years ago at the Baltimore Tattoo Convention? Nice to know I'm part of the boobie problem.

At 10:18 AM, Blogger sweetney said...

hey wait a second, *i* moved here from DC (well, the DC-area, you know what i mean). why you gotta throw the haterade at us transplants, girl?!?!

anyway, you guys are gonna make a bundle on that place. for sure. its an awesome house, and no doubt its sad to move on from it, but no question you'll find a place elsewhere that you'll love, too (and maybe in my neighborhood! oh please oh please?). keep me posted on all developments...


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