taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Monday, April 18, 2005

Sometimes I like to think of my household as a corporation. You know, with a board of directors (Nick and I get the deciding votes), employees and subcontractors, a beautiful quarter acre campus (including a "rock wall" and private offices!) and a complex accounting system. We've trademarked our name, since no one else wanted it, and I think we even have a brand identity--something to do with authenticity, although we probably need help from our ad agency to really refine our positioning.

In the interview about our company, Nick and I would be very professional. "We've always considered it part of our mission to give a little back," Nick might say while taping a tip for the garbagemen onto the trashcan at Christmastime. "We strive to keep our entire organization productive and happy," I might add, while the Queen Bee happily eats broccoli and the Panda dances around the yard.

Our annual report would show that we are a good investment--while we might not have a lot of capital, we're certainly not over-leveraged, and we're committed to slow and steady growth. All of the numbers would be backed up by our accountant--I mean CFO--who could show his skills with an adding machine in a special video montage.

As a corporation, we always hew to the core principles we laid out in 1995, at our corporate "brainstorming" retreat (or, um, honeymoon) in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico:

1. We will never add a minivan to the corporate fleet. (Note: the CRV doesn't count, okay?)
2. We will always respect the board of directors, err, children.
3. Members of our organization should be trusted to make the right decisions and not be micromanaged, unless of course they refuse to put on their shoes and forget that they have to be at school at eight and dawdle over their toast.
4. We are committed to providing an aesthetically inspiring work environment, except when the Department of Public Works has a federally mandated holiday, after a large corporate event such as a birthday party, or when the Diaper Champ has run out of room.
5. While we are totally pro-worker in theory, we will not provide health benefits because we can't afford it. However, anyone who works for our company is perfectly welcome to any beer or chicken salad they can find in the fridge, and everyone is welcome to smoke in the designated smoking areas (provided they are of legal age to do so).
6. While we will not tolerate a hostile work environment, we reserve the right to wear very little around the office, particularly at 6am.

Our mission, after all, is to provide the world with the best new humans possible. We believe that doing so requires listening to the advice of our consultants and an unwavering commitment to breakfast (which ideally, ought to include eggs.)


At 7:51 PM, Blogger XLT said...

...we're still working on our corporate structure.

We're just a start-up.


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