taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I feel vaguely guilty all the time. There's always something I'm not doing. Either I'm focusing on work and ignoring the children, or I'm focusing on the children and ignoring the husband, or focusing on my husband and children and work and neglecting the household. And forget about extra stuf like exercise, or my extended family, or the cats, or writing absolutely anything but this blog.

The simple fact of the matter: there's too much to be done, and not enough time to do it in. Ever.

Sometimes I can let it go, mentally, but more often I'm plagued by anxiety, tummyaches, and irritability. My first line of defense is to look for a scapegoat: it's got to be SOMEONE's fault that life is this hectic. Usually that fails and I'm left feeling even more guilty for being so unfair. And then I become angry--what happened to my life, my dreams? Do other people get to fulfill their dreams while maintaining a family life? How do they do it? Am I just really undisciplined?

I'm thinking the culprit is sleep. If I never needed to sleep, then I'd be totally fine. Think of what 6 to 8 extra hours could do for my life! I'd have this place organized to within an inch of its life, my novel would be finished, the children would be perfectly attended to, my job would be totally under control, and my husband would get that backrub he so richly deserves but which, at the end of the day, I just can't give him. And also, I'd finish the taxes.

But that's never going to happen, and so I guess I'm going to have to muddle through the rest of my life being imperfect and feeling irresponsible about it all.

18 Comments:

At 9:04 PM, Blogger chang said...

I resent sleeping so much. I should be in bed now getting shut eye - I fucking teach yoga, I'm sposed to be a good example for people!

If I didn't have ot sleep I too would get it all done. Instead I waste 6-8 hours rejuvenating my body. What a fucking waste of time.

I've considered crystal meth. Apparently it's big with suburban mom's. but what happened to good old coke? Meth labs and the people who run them make coke dealers and coke labs look like that kindly old moonshiner on "The Andy Griffith Show."

But crystal meth ruins you on so many levels. Nerve damage, addiction, hallucinations.

I'm gonna go to bed now. Damn, I lost again...

 
At 10:37 PM, Blogger Joshua Berlow said...

You've written this same post maybe half a dozen times already.

I know where you're coming from- I wrote most of my current novel before I got married. Since getting married it's been hard(er) to work on it. But I know that I've made choices. I could choose something else if I wanted to.

There's a cool book called "Exit the Rainmaker". It's the true story of a normal successful guy who one day decides to just abandon his life and disappear. I know that if I wanted to, I could pull a "Rainmaker".

 
At 5:29 PM, Anonymous seadragon said...

Sleep is one of those things that sometimes I LOVE and can't get enough of, and when I'm getting enough sleep I actually feel capable of doing everything I am supposed to be doing. But when I'm not getting enough sleep, I don't even enjoy and I almost forget that I need it and instead I blame my life.

Thing is, you need the sleep, and you need to make sure you get it. :)

 
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At 7:28 PM, Blogger Dale said...

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At 7:47 AM, Blogger Dale said...

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At 12:25 PM, Blogger David said...

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At 10:12 PM, Blogger Dale said...

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At 11:01 PM, Blogger crystalmethaddiction said...

Hi Claire,

Very cool blog you have, I have been surfing the net for the past 30 min. when you blog forced me to stop and read it.
Again, congratulations on a job well done. I have found some pretty good insights on your blog that will help me improve
my own crystal meth detox blog. Thanks again!

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger crystalmethaddiction said...

Hi Claire,

Very cool blog you have, I have been surfing the net for the past 30 min. when you blog forced me to stop and read it.
Again, congratulations on a job well done. I have found some pretty good insights on your blog that will help me improve
my own crystal meth detox blog. Thanks again!

 
At 1:04 AM, Blogger crystalmethaddiction said...

Hi Claire,

Very cool blog you have, I have been surfing the net for the past 30 min. when you blog forced me to stop and read it.
Again, congratulations on a job well done. I have found some pretty good insights on your blog that will help me improve
my own quitting meth addiction site. Thanks again!

 
At 3:02 PM, Blogger crystalmethaddiction said...

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Great blog you have...My quitting meth addiction site is not necessarily like yours but
I can use the info I garnered from yours in my future bloggings. Again good job!

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger thema_gic said...

Hi Claire,

Go ahead! That the kind of blog I like to read...

What do you think of my quitting meth addiction
blog?!

 

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