taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Suburban dads, would you like to know what your wives really think? What they're really up to? Because I've gotten an earful over the past couple of years, and so I consider myself somewhat of an expert. And even I continue to be surprised.

(BTW, I'm sure you husband-men are just as weird, but I don't hear about it, thank god--and I suspect your guy friends don't, either. Y'all are a closemouthed lot, mowing your lawns, quietly hanging out in basements and offices, looking at internet porn and keeping your mouths shut. And good for you! That's really the best way to handle things, I think.)

OK--so, guys? stop reading right now if you'd like to keep your illusions intact. Don't blame me. I'm just the messenger. The following items are all true stories I've heard, although I'm disgusing all details to protect the guilty.

1. Lesbians everywhere! Yes, suburban ladies seem to have given up the good old-fashioned pool boy and turned instead to hardcore lesbians from the internet and gay bars, usually the ones sporting short hairdos. (I know you thought your wife, surely, would choose a Lipstick Lesbian, but that's almost never the case.) And, I might add, the more your wife seems to be a perfectly content suburban woman, baking and taking the children to lessons, the MORE likely she is to go this route.
2. Affair-contemplation: You can pretty much bet that if you've been married more than 5 years, your wife is wondering "how can I get me one of them boyfriends?" The reasoning behind this usually goes something like, "I just want a reason to shave my legs, is that so much to ask?"
3. Plastic surgery has become totally de rigeur, hence all the MILFs these days... if you think that the women you see at the pool look like that naturally, please think again. It's kind of become like an extended spa treatment, and it usually starts with either Botox, lipo, or a boob job. It is also always kept secret, but gets out somehow, and all the women talk about it. "Did you see how perky they got? She let me feel them!" Please note that if your wife starts down this road, it might very well be caused by either of the two reasons above.
4. And finally... the divorces begin! I always wondered when this would happen. It seems to occur somewhere between ten and fifteen years of marriage. And it's always the woman making it happen! Growing up, I always thought it was the man, you know, wanting a little something-something on the side. But not any more. Now mommy's got needs, and they're not being met. And mommy's got income too. And so mommy's gonna keep the house AND the lesbian girlfriend, and the pool boy and the Botox and the new perky boobies. And, sorry to say, the men have to go live at the divorced dad apartment complex just up the road!

So, men, if you've gotten this far, please do me a favor. Go buy your wife a bouquet, clean the dishes, and tell your wife she is REALLY, irresistably hot just exactly the way she is. Take her out for dinner and insist she get an appetizer AND an entree. Kiss her once a day, and not just a peck on the lips. Have a conversation about nothing at all. Compliment her ass. Pick up your socks. Call her at work. And most of all, remember: your wife has options.


At 11:43 AM, Blogger chang said...

SON OF A BITCH!!! Ithought Iw as the only one who thought about getting a boob job!

Now, up here in these parts we have lesbian couples - legally married lesbian couple.

Tell me, do they have affaairs with men? That seems like a 21st century dyke thing to do.

I always compliment my wife's behind. But my socks are 3 deep!

At 7:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guys--she's _not_ kidding.

Make a checklist and keep it in your pocket--or else.

You have been warned.


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