taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

My husband has managed to commission an entire governmental study on the possibility of bad guys causing a tsunami.

It's true. We received the envelope--a thick envelope, mind you--from the Department of Geological Surveys (part of the Department of the Interior) today. This was in reply to his very frightened inquiry to our state senator, wondering if this volcano in the Canary Islanda could be set off by terrorists, causing a landslide and the subsequent disappearance of the eastern seaboard.

Listen, I lived with the man while he was worrying about this Canary Islands thing. He was obsessed with it. And this was before the Indian Ocean tsunami, which makes me believe in his psychic powers even more.

Anyway, my husband is generally a harmless liberal crank, which I LOVE about him. He sends off letters to politicians about absolutely everything. Generally he takes a break during Lent, when he's forbidden to read news, but for all the rest of the year he's a letter-writing machine. The replies--from senators and representatives and council people and other random Democrats--seem generally to wearily acknowledge his role in the world, that "active constituent" who wants something all the time.

But this was different. This actually got results. There may have even been a panel to debate the matter.

He wrote to our senator's office and attached a CNN article about this volcano, and whether terrorists could cause a natural disaster, and the senator's peeps seemed genuinely dismayed. "Why, we'd never thought of it!" the staffer said.

They promptly sent off a letter to the Department of the Interior, which looked into it thoroughly. We received the full report, with footnotes and correspondance between the department and the congress. Evidently, the answer is "no, terrorists cannot make volcanoes blow up, but thank you all for asking." Still, it was gratifying to see four full pages of scientific data to back it up! PLUS the kind and reassuring words of the Director, who swears up and down that if Bikini Atoll didn't blow the hell up in 1949 or whatever, then the Canary Islands certainly won't explode from some silly dirty bomb.

In any case, he has now proved that he's moved beyond liberal crank into actual agitation, which I respect highly.


At 4:59 AM, Anonymous Frank said...

Oh goody, now the rest of us can worry about a tsunami wiping out the east coast. Like the Government would tell us the truth! And I can say that since I work for the Government. LoL.

At 7:32 AM, Blogger The Cybrarian said...

Okay, was he serious, or do they just not teach geology in Connecticut schools? Did he also write this letter in teeny-tiny print with no margins on the back of a reciept while riding the number 8 bus? It's a fine line between loveable eccentic crank and para-skitzy whack job, sounds like mr. man is skating it. Or maybe he was just jerking guvamental chains, in which case I love him more than ever!

At 7:47 AM, Blogger Claire said...

I done tol' him he was turning into A. Robert Kaufman but he refuses to believe me.

Actually I'd say it's lovable, all in all.

At 8:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hubby, here.

The Reuters article said that the island's volcano was unmonitored and unstable. It said that the thing could go at any time. This was also around the time 300-some-odd tons of high explosive went missing in Iraq. Needless to say, the Fat Man plutonium bomb only took 6000 *pounds* of high explosive to mash the softball size plutonium core into a critical mass.

Makes you think, o forked-tongued Choco, doesn't it?

At 8:10 AM, Blogger Claire said...

Oooh! Ooh! Can this be exactly like 1991? "Shut up, you starved Nazi!" "No you shut up, you fat troll!"

I've been so happy during the past ten years y'all have managed to get along. Sigh.

Forked-tongue choco! Para-skitzy wack job! At least your insults have become more original!

At 12:41 PM, Blogger The Cybrarian said...

I didn't call him a para-skitzy whack job, I just said he was skating the line! I still find you to be a loveable crank! And I like the thought of Osama walking up a volcano in his sandals, 300 tons of explosives in donkey packs.

At 5:52 PM, Blogger chang said...

There are times when I wish I lived closer ot you guys so I could share in the fun although I no longer drink nor smoke.

And then there are others when I wonder if it's better that I don't live close by so I don't have to be concerned about NRB showing up on my doorstep at 3AM concerned about AL-Qaeda's mastery of disrupting plate tectonics.

But I think this is a case of it falling somewhere in between.

And if you lived near me, I'd make you do 10 sun salutes before I'd even talk to you... Because I'm that hardcore...

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Claire said...

10 sun salutes? Charles, you must be kidding, I do 10 sun salutes in my sleep. While feeding the baby and concepting an ad campaign.

The not-drinking thing though? That's gotta go. Please tell me you're at least smokin' the tweed. It's the only thing that will make whole-grain bread tolerable, you know that. :)

At 2:01 PM, Blogger chang said...

Dear Mrs. Crank,

I don't drink anymore, no. Not since June 28th, 2004. So far this was the wrong year to quit drinking, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. It was booze or yoga and yoga got me more chicks.

You must be doing those easy Southern Belle sun salutes. The ones that make sure you don't have to put down your beer nor does your miniskirt rie up to show off the Dale Earnhardt thong.

As for doobage, well, I have never bought it in the 36 years I have taken up space here on God's Green. But I have partaken of the chalice. The last batch I had was so good I swore I'd never do anything but that kind. X1000. The shizznit...

Whole grain bread is best with alot of butter and marmalade anyway.

Damn, am I my father now? Oh, wait, he still drinks.


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