taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Thursday, November 11, 2004

To my five loyal readers,

I have to confess: I am now officially a hypocrite. Here it is, in pixels, for all posterity (or at least til Blogger shuts down someday). Outside of my house sits a brand new Honda CR-V.

Yes, you can call it a "glorified hatchback", as some have done to make me feel better. You can say it's more like a car. But I know what it is. I know what the brochure said. It said:


Granted, it is not an Escalade, and Envoy, a Hummer (what is UP with that name?) or even a Ford Explorer. Yes, it gets as good gas mileage as my VW. But it has all the earmarks of suburban evil: the tire on the back, the tallness, the cup holders.

In my defense, this was not entirely my decision. When the Jetta died on the side of the road, we realized something had to be done. The two children and their stuff were crowded in the back. We couldn't even get groceries any more with them in the car. I said, "Let's get a station wagon!" but the husband didn't like that idea. Then, even more to my chagrin and horror, I found myself tentatively suggesting.... a minivan.

Well, the very mention of that word sent him into an apopleptic fit. "A WHAT? Do you REMEMBER what you said in 1992? For the love of GOD I am not driving around in a MINIVAN" or something to that effect. I backed down immediately. No minivan, no, no, of course not, we can't do that.

So off to Consumer Reports we went, looking for "family cars." Husband immediately fell in love with the Element. This is a car designed to appeal to men of a certain creative type: it can be hosed out! you can haul dogs and pieces of wood! it looks cool! it's part plastic! it's tall but no one cn say it's an SUV! how cool!

Well, we went and drove it and it turns out that to open the back doors and get the children out, you have to also open the front doors. I was picturing myself trying to open all my car doors at once while being parked in by two giant Escalades or Hummers. Not possible. I said, gently, "can we try the CR-V?"

And we tried it. And we liked it. Oh, the shame, the shame. Yes, I like the cupholders! I like sitting up high so I can see over the SUV in front of me! I like tha my child is not kicking me in the lumbar region during the entire ride!

Oh, my humiliation is complete. I have surrendered to the devil. I understand that. My only redemption will lie in hundreds of lefty radical bumper stickers plastered to the back, so that everyone knows I tried, goddamit, I really tried to fight the good fight... and I lost.

Next week: stay tuned for my purchase of a gun rack, attendance at a mega-church, and a whole new wardrobe that involves khaki pants and sweater sets.

Kidding.... I hope.


At 10:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i, for one, forgive you, traitor. ;)

xo trace


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