taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Friday, November 05, 2004

Everything that needed to be said about this election has already been said, by people smarter and more articulate than I. But I'm still going to give it a shot. Here are some tips I think might help my fellow lefties as we look for a way to take action.

1. I am not letting anyone with a Republican bumper sticker on their car cut in front of me in traffic. Today I did this and I felt evil and good at the same time. This woman tried to edge in when her lane ended--I kept moving forward to cut her off-- and she looked right at me as if to say "can I cut in?" and I shook my head and mouthed "nooo" to her. She looked absolutely horrified. She couldn't believe it. When she finally got behind me, she honked her horn at me. I would have given her the finger but the kids were in the car. Not that I was setting a great example, or anything, but still.

2. Obama/O'Malley '08! Come on, we need some hotties. An all-hottie ticket would secure the gay man and woman vote, and besides, the O's have such a ring to them. I know they're young, but they can't be any stupider than W. Besides, they can appoint a lot of smartypants pointyheads to actually tell them what to do. We just need O'Malley to keep his hands to himself and everything will be just fine.

3. I think petty vandalism might actually be a viable activist tactic, a la PETA. What about bumper stickers you could past on SUV's in parking lots: "I Support Terrorists" or "Yes, I Am A Fucking Pig"? Or throwing eggs at your fascists neighbors' houses at night? Stink bombs! Cans of paint! The possibilities are endless. Just think back to your teenage years. This might actually help sway some frat boys to our movement, as well. Plus it would make you feel really good.

4. Sex as a recruiting tool. You know a lot of people in the sex industry are democrats. Why not use their ample talents to persuade people of our absolute correctness? I guess this doesn't help us on the "moral values" front, but c'mon, all those Bush voters are hypocrites.

5. Invade their churches! Whole flocks of progressives should start going to these evangelical churches in droves and slowly drive out their congregations by force of sheer numbers. If you got a hundred democrats in one of these places, you could work wonders simply by polemicizing and being annoying and persistent. They'd all try and avoid us but we'd get really involved and volunteer for everything. Think of the possibilities in Bible study groups alone. "Did Jesus really say he hated fags? Can you point that out here in the Good Book? Because you know I'm a fundamentalist, I need to see where it says that here in writing."

6. Bring back corrupt Democratic machine politics, a la Tammany Hall. Roll drunks to the polls. Register dead people. Baltimore used to be so good at this--it's really a shame we've forgotten how.

I'm sure I have other ideas, but these are a start. It's about time we started playing the game. This wussy liberal shit is just not going to work.

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