taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Friday, September 03, 2004

Tonight we went to one of these outdoor concerts where parents can drink and their kids can dance like little maniacs. All the children were blonde and all the dads looked alike--end-of-summer-tans, short hair, khaki shorts. And all the moms fell into one of several categories:

1. Glam mom: This mom wears Britney Spears 70's style sunglasses, has a good tan, long blonde hair straightened with an iron, lipgloss, and a baby bjorn, so you have to kowtow to how fucking in shape she is after six months postpartum. Go, glam mom. (BTW: Glam mom never has kids older than two. Once the kids are older than two, Glam Mom gives up and becomes some other variety of regular Mom.)

2. Flax mom: Flax mom wears long dresses or skirts. If she's got grey hair, it's long and undyed. Often Flax Mom is riding a bicycle with a a baby seat on the back. Flax Mom probably breastfeeds her kid until college. Flax Mom may be older but her kid is young because of all the fertility treatments--or maybe it was that healthy livin' that allowed her to conceive when she was 39. I alwys wonder, with Flax Mom, why, if she's so thin from the vegan diet, she hides her hot bod?

3. Given-up Mom. This mom wears shorts up high around her waist and values comfort above all else. Her husband usually looks disappointed, but it's probably his fault, since one imagines that given-up mom gave up because he wasn't rewarding her properly. Or maybe she gave up a long time ago, at college, and wore sweatpants a lot. It's hard to know. She probably has an advanced degree, regardless, and is well-respected in her field and also smarter than everyone else.

4. Rich mom: She wears the most fashionable flipflops, primarily so you can see that she gets her toes done regularly, and her children are dressed in Lilly Pulitzer. You know her husband is cheating on her, no matter how nicely she keeps her face and the house. But Rich Mom always looks more terrific than everyone else, so you have to give her props.

5. Preppy mom: Preppy mom is always too skinny and wears shapeless tank tops and khaki skirts, but she seems to have a lot of friends who look just like her and have kids the exact same age. She clearly goes to the pool a lot and her husband is always high-fiving other guys, exactly like they were in college.

6. Boho mom: Boho mom has short bangs and hair dyed all one color. In fact, this might have been me at various times in my life, though not now. Anyway, boho mom likes Bettie Page and has a tattoo and her kids are wearing the hippest possible clothes. Boho mom's husband, though, always looks exactly like the other husbands, except with glasses.

I don't know where I fit into the scheme of all this, except that, as always, I feel completely alienated from all of it.


At 3:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goddamn. Spot on. You should have trading cards made of these. Bravo.


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