taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Monday, February 24, 2003

Illness this weekend: the creepy fever kind that sneaks up on you. Unless you've had a high fever recently, you won't be able to remember the exact feeling, not in any real sensory way, not at the level of your cells. That bone-tired, wet-throat agony to get out of bed. Arms with thirty-pound weights attached.

Luckily we got a new mattress before the illness descended. This is a very fancy mattress, and it signals the final decline of our American empire. Yes, the SelectComfort Sleep Number bed! It took two grown men a half an hour to install this mattress (not drag up the stairs, not put on the bed frame--I said install). It comes with a remote control. It comes with machinery.

No, this is not like the VibraMatic motel bed (unfortunately). This is a Sleep System, designed to accomodate your every ache, your every pain. You can customize the firmness of the mattress with the touch of a button. Feeling achy? Try Sleep Number 40! Need support? Try Sleep Number 90! Just a click, and you're in heaven.

Jimmy Carter said today that he thought anti-Americanism was at its highest point in history. Well, the Select Comfort mattress is reason enough for the rest of the world to hate us. It's the pinnacle of decadence. Remember in the 80's, it was really hip to have a futon? Listen, the 80's were decadent, and everyone was clamoring to sleep on a rock-like mat. What does that say about an era where the Sleep Number Bed is our mattress of choice? We're clearly at the end of our cultural rope, people.

Still, I was glad to have it during the fever. Sleep number 45, here I come.


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