taking the passive out of passive-aggressive

Wednesday, January 01, 2003

Women have this way of acting like they're from the cartoon "Cathy", which has got to be the worst piece of shit cartoon ever made (except maybe for the Lockhorns or Marmaduke). What they do is this:

1. Feel somehow deprived, depressed, or otherwise maligned by the world.
2. Initiate a craving for some sort of sweet, typically chocolate but possibly cookies, pie, candy, or ice cream.
3. Talk ceaslessly about the craving (and attendant guilt and glee) until it's fulfilled.
4. Force others to become complicit in the "sin" by indulging and discussing the craving with them ad nauseam.
5. Indulge the craving (usually an inconvenient affair involving driving to one particular bakery, ice cream shop, etc.)
6. Coo, aah, and make other orgasmic sounds during the indulgence.
7. Display guilt feelings of varying intensity afterwards, ranging from tepid satisfaction to all-out barfing.

In the cartoon "Cathy", of course, the fat, homely, stringy-haired title character is constantly looking for a man, and constantly dieting. Her life revolves around whether she'll fit into a bathing suit. She indulges herself in sweets and then castigates herself endlessly. She's horrible, empty, stupid, and terrified. But what's worse than that is that she's true.

Lots of women do this. In fact you'd be hard-pressed to find one that doesn't, on occaision, have the occasional Cathy-attack of sweets-indulgence. Some women do it all the time--their day seems to revolve around the next sugar buzz-while others have it more or less under control, with only the infrequent midnight trip to the supermarket for frozen pie or those awful cookies that taste like Crisco.

This is truly a horrible habit and one that should be stopped. It's not the least bit harmless, or cute, or girly. It goes against everything that most women claim they want: love me for me, oh, stop looking at my body, oh, I'm so above my animal appetites, blah blah blah.

The sweets thing is disgustingly childish. Besides, the whole thing makes all of us women look bad. Out of control. Afraid of our bodies. Unmasterful. It's completely anti-feminist, to do this shit, but feminists do it all the time. And these indulgers, they're the ones that complain about their bodies the most--and demand the least critical male eye, too. "How dare he think I'm not thin enough? God, I need some fucking cake."

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